David Techner's children's book on grieving makes it easier for kids to understand the loss and give them strategies to move on with their own lives. "A Candle for Grandpa" helps kids through this difficult time. Request a copy.

Until the twentieth century, most people died at home, not in hospitals or nursing homes. Children were not shielded from death, which was accepted as natural. Today, children often learn about death from watching violent scenes on television and in films. As a result, many children think that all deaths are frightful and bloody. A funeral provides children with an opportunity to confront their concerns, to have their questions answered, and to join family members in celebrating the life of the person who died.

In "A Candle for Grandpa," we present a story that introduces young children to a traditional Jewish funeral. It should be noted, however, that Jewish burial practices vary significantly from community to community.

The Five Questions Children Most Frequently Ask:

1. Why did he or she die?

Do not answer this question by citing the person's age or the gravity of the person's illness. Instead, give a simple answer about the physical cause of death. If it is appropriate, you may wish to show your child a copy of the official death certificate. Do not give answers that are more complicated than is necessary.

2. Will I die, too? Will Mom or Dad die?

When children experience the death of someone close to them, they tend to question their own mortality and that of other close family members, especially their parents. A simple and honest answer is: Everything and everybody that lives will die someday. You might want to add that most people in this country can expect to live well into the ages of 70-80 and even 90. If you've had a recent physical exam, assure your child that you are in good health. If you are overdue for a checkup, schedule one.

3. How does a person get to heaven?

To answer this question, you need to distinguish between what happens to the body and what some people believe happens to the spirit. After a person is buried, someone might say, "Now she's up in heaven." A child might respond to this statement by looking down at the grave, looking up at the sky, and asking, "How did she get up there if we just buried her in the ground?" Part of the answer is, "Her body is buried in the ground, and it will remain buried there forever." How you answer the question "What happens to the spirit or soul?" depends on your personal beliefs. Judaism teaches that the spirit or soul returns to God.

4. Where are his or her legs?

When children are given the opportunity to view a body in a casket before the funeral, they see the body from the waist up because usually only the top half of the casket is opened. Should the child ask to see the person's legs, explain that they are still attached and are located in the lower half of the casket. If a child asks to touch the body in order to find out what a dead person "feels" like, allow him or her to touch the person's shoulder. A child may ask why the skin is cold. Explain that a body turns cold when blood stops flowing through it. Such questions are normal and are to be expected.

5. What happens to a body in the ground?

We know that with time, a body decomposes. Because this concept is difficult to explain, perhaps the simplest response to the above question is that about two thirds of our body is made up of water; the other third consists of our bones. When we die, the water eventually evaporates, leaving only the bones. The speed of this process, which takes an average of ten to twelve years, depends to a large degree on the size of a body, the conditions of the ground in which it is buried, and the kind of casket in which it lies.

The Five Questions Parents Most Frequently Ask:

1. Should a child be allowed to attend a funeral?

The key consideration is a child's relationship to the person who died. For example, if the mother of a very young child has died, the best response to the inevitable stream of questions the child will ask about the loss that has so suddenly changed his or her life might be to allow the child to attend the funeral. An important factor in making this decision is evaluating the child's ability to participate without disrupting the proceedings. If a child still wants to attend the funeral after being told what happens there, parents should acknowledge that desire, although the decision is ultimately theirs.

2. Should my child be permitted to view the body?

If a child wants to see the body, several factors must be considered. First, keep in mind what the child would see if he or she is allowed to view the body. If the person died after a long illness and the child had witnessed physical changes in the person, the child's viewing of the body might not be too frightening. However, if the person's death is sudden, the child's viewing of the body might be very upsetting, although his or her confrontation with the physical reality of death might still be advisable. If the child is going to see the body, you can prepare her or him by talking about what he or she can expect to see. Remember that a child often has the same need as an adult to say good-bye to a loved one. (Note that at traditional Jewish funerals, the body is not viewed. However, identification of the body by immediate family members may take place any time prior to the chapel service.)

3. If a child attends the funeral, should he or she also go to the cemetery?

Often a child will find the chapel service more emotionally draining than the following graveside service. If a child attends the chapel service and then is told that he or she is going home instead of to the cemetery, the child is likely to ask, "Where are you going?" and "Why can't I come, too?" Nothing that happens at the cemetery is beyond a child's comprehension, if it is properly explained beforehand. What the child who is sent home might imagine is generally more difficult than what he or she would have seen.

4. One of my children seems totally unaffected by a death in the family. My other child is having great difficulty adjusting. Do I need to do anything in response?

Extreme situations can produce extreme and often unpredictable reactions. Therefore, making sure that your children know you are there for them at such times is essential. One way of helping your children express themselves is to set aside time for them to discuss their feelings about death with you. The amount of time you allocate is not as important as your setting aside a designated time in which your children can express their perceptions and feelings. Be prepared for some very tender and meaningful discussions. As a result, you and your children will establish an open line of communication that can have a positive effect on all aspects of your relationship.

5. Since the recent death of a family member, my children have found occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays particularly painful. What can I do to help them at such times?

People often find the first birthday, anniversary, or major holiday after a loved one's death the most difficult because such occasions accentuate the sense of finality that follows a death. You can help your children by acknowledging in advance that such occasions will be difficult. Take the time to talk about the sad feelings that your children might experience. Be prepared: Your children may express their sense of loss again and again. If the family is together for a celebration, pause for a moment to reflect on the good times that you shared with the person who died and on the sadness of your loss.